The Lover's Dictionary.

Ito ang ikalawang beses na binasa ko ang librong ito na isinulat ni David Levithan. Kung ikukumpara sa ibang novel books, kakaiba ang estilo ng pagsulat ni David. Inilathala niya ang istorya ng dalawang nag-iibigan tulad ng isang dictionary. Ibat ibang senario o sitwasyon tungkol sa pagsasama nila ang mababasa mo sa bawat alpabeto. Masaya at malungkot. Isa pang kagandahan dito ay ang dalawang bida na di pinangalanan at maging ang kanilang kasarian ay hindi inilathala. Sa pagbabasa ko nitong The Lover's Dictionary hindi ko mapigilan na makita ko ang sarili ko sa bawat karakter. Nakakarelate ako sa ilang sitwasyon. Yung nasa isip ng bawat karakter, yung mga kilos.. Yun ang nakakarelate e. Napagtanto ko na sa buhay magmamahal tayo masasaktan, magbibitaw ng mga bagay na pagsisisihan natin sa huli. Makakalimutan natin ang kahalagahan ng sarili natin kapag nalulong tayo sa pag-ibig. Gumagawa tayo ng desisyon o pagpili na kadalasan e naglulugmok sa atin. Minsan ang pag-ibig nagtatapos ng maganda, kadalasan masakit.. Pero sa pag-ibig, masaya o malungkot, magbibigay ito sa iyo ng maraming aral para magbago ka. Matututo ka sa lahat ng masasakit na idudulot nito sayo.. Pero ang maganda rito, matapos kang sirain, bubuuin ka nito at itong mga karanasang ito ang magiging dahilan kung anong klase ng tao ka ngayon.

"This book made me want to fall inlove again." ayon kay Brendan Cowell.

Sabi ko parang ayoko nang umibig muli.. Pero nung mabasa ko ulit tong The Lover's Dictionary, yung masasaya at malungkot na pinagdaanan ng bawat karakter, pinamulat sa akin ng librong to ang makulay na buhay kapag may pag-ibig. Yung saya sa pakiramdam na inaasam ng karamihan. Yung to love and be loved na pinakamasayang pakiramdam daw sa mundo. Sinabi ko na ayoko na. Pagod na ko sa walang humpay na pagsugal sa pag-ibig. Pagod na ko sa pauli-ulit na sakit na nararamdaman ko sa tuwing natatalo ko sa pagpusta sa kaligayahan ko. Pero dahil kay David, sa librong 'to.. Sinabi ko sa sarili kong may ilalaban pa ko. Gaya ni Brendan Cowell, I want to fall inlove again in the right place and the right time.

Narito ang ilan sa mga naging paborito ko:

abyss, n.
There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us.

arrears, n.
"it was a mistake" you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.

basis, n.
There has to be a moment at the beginning when you wonder whether you're inlove with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself. If the moment doesn't pass, it never goes most often disabused are notions.

breach, n.
I didn't want to know who he/she was, or what you did,or that it didn't mean anything.

breathtaking, adj.
Those mornings when we kiss and surrender for an hour before we say a single word.

catharsis, n.
I took it out on the wall.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. YOU FUCKER, I LOVE YOU.

corrode, v.
I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust.

detatchment, n.
I still don't know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to be able to be in the moment and then step out of it. Not just during sex, or while talking, or kissing. I don't deliberately pull away - I don't think I do - but I find myself suddenly there on the outside, unable to lose myself in where I am. You catch me sometimes. You'll say I'm drifting off, I'll apologize, trying to snap back to the present.
But I should say this: Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you..

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, "I have something to tell you." I could feel the magic drain from the room.

dissonance, n.
Nights when I need to sleep and you can't. Days when I want to talk to you and you won't. Hours when every noise you make interferes with my silence. Weeks when there is a buzzing in the air, and we both pretend we don't hear it.

dumbfounded, adj.

And still, for all the jealousy, all the doubt, sometimes I will be struck with the kind of awe that we're together. That someone like me could find someone like you - it renders me wordless. Because surely words would conspire against such luck, would protest the unlikelihood of such a turn of events. I didn't tell any of my friends about our first date. I waited until after the second, because I wanted to make sure it was real. I wouldn't believe it had happened until it had happened again. Then, later on, I would be overwhelmed by the evidence, by all the lines connecting you to me, and us to love.

elliptical, adj.
The kiss I like most is one of the slow ones. It's as much breath as touch, as much no as yes. You lean in from the side,and I have to turn a little to make it happen.

ethereal, adj.
You leaned your head into mine, and I leaned my head into yours. Dancing cheek to cheek. Revolving slowly, eyes closed, heartbeat measure, nature's hum. It lasted the length of an old song, and then we stopped, kissed, and my heart stayed there, just like that.

exacerbate, v.
I believe your exact words were: "You're getting too emotional."

fallible, adj.
I was hurt. Of course I was hurt. But in a perverse way, I was relieved that you were the one who made the mistake. It made me worry less about myself.

flux, n.
The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change. Our feelings for each other change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of the shower changes. Accept this, we must aceept this.

healthy, adj.
There are times when I'm alone that I think, This is it. This is actually the natural state. All I need are my thoughts and my small acts of creation and my ability to go or do whatever I want to go or do. I am myself, and that is the point. Pairing is a social construction.It is by no means necessary for everyone to do it. Maybe I'm better like this.Maybe I could live my life in my own world, and then simply leave it when it's time to go. 

juxtaposition, n.
it scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I can't even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of the time have all the depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse.It's simply a matter of is and is no longer.

leery, adj.
Those few weeks, after you told me, I wasn't sure we were going to make it. After working for so long on being sure of each other, sure of this thing, suddenly we were unsure again.I didn't know whether or not to touch you, sleep with you, have sex with you. Finally, I said, "It's over."

livid, adj.
Fuck you for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someeone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who taught , oops, he'd gotten caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn't about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater.You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.

love, n.
I'm not going to even try.

lover, n.
Oh, how I hated this word. So pretentious, like it was always being translated from the French. The tint and taint of illicit, illegitimate affections. Dictionary meaning: a person having a love affair. Impermanent. Unfamilial. Inextricably linked to sex. I have never wanted a lover. In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved. There is no word for the recipient of the love. There is only a word for the giver. There is assumption that lovers come in pairs. When I say, Be my lover, I don't mean, Let's have an affair. I don't mean sleep with me. I don't mean Be my secret. I want us to go back down to that root. I want you to be the one who loves me. I want to be the one who loves you.


misgivings, n.
Last night, I got up the courage to ask you if you regretted us. "There are things I miss," you said. "But if I didn't have you, I'd miss more."

only. adj.
That's the dilemma, isnt it? When you're single, there's the sadness and joy of only me. And when you're paired, there's the sadness and joy of only you.

raze, v.
It sounded like you were lifting me, but it all fell.

recant, v.
I want to take back at least half of the "I love you"s, because I didn't mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you'd hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the "I love you"s, because it feels safer that way.

reservation, n.
There are times when I worry that I've already lost myself. That is, my self is so inseparable from being with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent. I never meant to depend so much on someone else.

stanchion, n.
I don't want to be the strong one, but I don't want to be the weak one, either. Why does it feel like it's always one or the other? When we embrace, one of us is always holding the other a little tighter.

vagary, n.
The mistake is thingking there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.

yearning, n. and adj.
At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect.

It only took me a few hours to read this book. I'll never get tired of reading this over and over again. :)